How My Darkest Days Led to a Calling for Transformative Healing & Alignment
The Pivotal Day:
On October 15, 2014 I received a phone call on my way home from work. A good friend who was visiting at the time says to me, “The police are here, they have some news about your mom, but they won’t say anything more.” I think to myself, “Oh no, what now?” because these type of phone calls were not foreign to me. “Ok then, I am on my way. I’ll be home soon.” I said. The minute I hung up the phone, the radio miraculously started playing - Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven”. I knew in an instant, my mom had finally taken her last sip and her last breath. She was in that car with me and she wanted me to know, we would meet again, but in a much more peaceful space. I was 26 years old and although my mom loved her girls so very much, up until that point, much of our lives were lived in chaos and dysfunction. If anyone reading this has an alcoholic in their life, you have an idea of what I am talking about. This day marked one of the darkest days of my life, but also a time where the light entered one of my deepest wounds and allowed me to begin a spiritual journey that would forever change my life.
The Journey:
During the next 2 years, I spent a lot more time leaning into Al-Anon, meditations and yoga. I got married to the man of my dreams and we created the most beautiful soul child together just a year after that. She came earth side on September 23, 2016. Like any first time mom, I felt utter joy. That’s what we feel as moms, right? The only thing we are allowed to feel. Wrong. Although there was so much gratitude, love and admiration flowing from my heart, there was also resistance and impermissible rage to the things I could not control with this new precious life. This is a generational pattern for adult children of alcoholics. We spend so much time of our childhood trying to keep the peace and prioritizing what little bit of control we have to survive, the need to control becomes ingrained in our being. While I was in the thick of it, the universe helped me come to the realization that my inability to live in safety as a child was bringing up qualities in my character that I didn’t care to admit, but I did. I chose to be vulnerable with myself, with my shame and with my learned behaviors. This wasn’t really just about me, it was about changing the cycle for my girl.
This new found vulnerability with myself brought on an inner calling for bigger purpose and more freedom in my life. I began to be honest about the unfulfillment I felt at my corporate job. This lead to exploring new opportunities which allowed me to stay home with my daughter while still providing for my family, as it wasn’t an option not to! That’s when I found LuLaRe, which gave me great insight to the entrepreneurial world, building community and the ability to have more time with my kiddo. Funny thing is, I quickly learned - for myself, it was harder to stay home than it was to just go to work! I knew I couldn’t turn back though, there were bigger visions on my horizon.
In the summer of 2018 a good friend introduced my sister and I to Joey Klein, a spiritual visionary, with a tremendous healing story of his own. In his book, “The Inner Matrix” he speaks about generational patterns and how they develop as early as the womb. This book brought on a new self awareness, hope and inspiration for my own healing. My sister and I committed to his 90 day meditation challenge and I haven’t missed a beat in 1.5 years. That practice allowed me to begin observing myself, my suffering and my behaviors without judgement. Just witnessing and, later on, forgiving were two of the biggest steps I made in my journey and because I was open to receiving change, the universe began to deliver me just what I needed to go even deeper.
Insert my introduction to essential oils, thank you to Whitney Kemp and Erin Dimas! These plant based powerhouses provided me simple tools to change my mood and environment in an instant, which I clung to so vastly being a work at home mom. In moments, we were able to reset our energy and support our emotional regulation in the times we needed it most. Not to mention, they kept us healthy and replaced many toxic items in our home (more on that later!) This is something I became very passionate about and wanted to share with the world. Wouldn’t you know it, at divine timing, the same friend who introduced me to Joey Klein, also introduced me to an amazing psychotherapist who fast tracked my healing exploration and encouraged me to believe in my business endeavors. She taught me daily techniques to regulate my energy, re-parent my little girl inside, how to truly feel and accept my emotions and to release self doubt. This season, in the beginning of 2019, was a catalyst for major change in my life and for the first time ever, I was beginning to live each day with empowerment instead of guilt, shame, doubt and impermissible rage.
The present time:
It’s now nearing the end of 2019, and WOW, what a year it has been! I have chosen again and again to invest in myself, in my personal development as well as my business. I completed Spirit Junkies Masterclass Level 1 & 2 with Gabby Bernstein (more to come on this too!), I traveled to New York City with my dream man to see her live where 3 major transformations took place. He was cracked open to his own understanding of my spiritual evolution, I received a divine download from the universe on what to bring forth in this world and I was also guided to my business coach, Rachel Joy, who has served as an integral part of my life & business development. I traveled to Stockbridge, MA to attend Gabby’s 6 day retreat with her and her teacher, Rha Goddess. (Working side by side with Gabby was a dream I had written down in the beginning of the year - CHECK!) This was a magical week spent with loving spiritually minded students who became friends and are now apart of my growing supportive community. I was given space for deep healing and, again, divine clarity on my mission and who I am here to serve. I had a pivotal moment in a session with Rha on the 3rd day, spirit moved through me onto pen and paper as I free wrote how my values guide me to live, love and lead. I was teary eyed and speechless as the chills ran over my body. I shared with the group who was deeply moved by my message. This is what I said:
HOW I LIVE, LOVE & LEAD: “I am a mama committed to changing the cycle of generational wounds we all have. I value putting myself first so I can serve my family with freedom, love and grounded energy. I prioritize my values so we can gracefully enjoy this adventure of life with mindfulness, presence and safety in however we feel and whatever comes our way. My unique gifts of confidence, self discipline, determination and bravery help me teach others how to powerfully show up for themselves and their loved ones with compassion, clarity and focused presence. I lead with my heart and vulnerability to educate, challenge, and awaken families to the patterns of their past so they can help themselves and others acknowledge, feel, accept and regulate their emotions/ energy with permission and grace.”
I am not only here to break the cycles of my family’s generational patterns, but those of millions, this is my movement as a Life & Soul Coach. To empower families world wide with mindful daily practices and tools so we can embody awakened consciousness that this world needs so much right now. It is our responsibility as parents, caregivers and lightworkers to heal our past so we can live, love and lead from our highest potential and stop the dysfunction that exists in our generational wiring. I’ve deeply forgiven my mom and am grateful for my past as it has made me who I am today. My experiences allow me to desire and teach the same peace I have found for the many who struggled through similar situations. My mom is now one of my spirit guides who visits me joyfully and beautifully, shining light everywhere I go.
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